My nana is in ICU and they are talking about moving her to hospice.  We had all talked about the fact that she might not be long behind Michael because they were so close.  Monday will be exactly three months since he passed on.  I am having a hard time with it even though I know that death will be a great victory for her.  I don't know how to put into words the way that I feel about it.

Quick background.  My mother and Mike are my biological parents.  Nana is Mike's mother and my biological grandmother.  My mother married Lee when I was 10 and he adopted me when I was 13.  Lee is my dad.  No blood required.  Mike and I really developed a relationship in the past ten years.  His passing hit me harder than I would have expected.  Nana has always been very special to me.  She took me in during my rebellious year and loved the rebellion right out of me.  I will always be grateful to her. 

If I am honest, I am feeling a huge hole.  They are the last of my blood on my paternal side.  I do have a cousin, Kim, and her family, but I haven't known them very much and we just don't stay in contact.  I really don't want to lose my Nana.  It would be selfish of me to pray for her continued life.  She hates her current state.  The frustration on her face as she struggles for words pierces through me.  She can no longer walk and her social life is non existant without Michael. 

I just want her to be happy.  She has been a rock for Mike over the years and a constant positive in my life.  She deserves release from her broken body and mind.  I hope she will rally if that is what she wants right now, but I am ok if she wants to move on. 

In a totally not related comment, Glee is about as over the top dramatic as it gets....and I can't get enough.

1 Response
  1. Sleep Goblin Says:

    this is very similar to how i felt when my mamaw died... it helps ease the pain afterwards, though i can't say it makes it go away. knowing death is better simply helps.

    also, glee is my new favorite show. i have the urge to put gold stars after my name :)

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