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Being a mother of four boys isn't always pretty.  I don't mean the messes and the dirt and the boogers.  We are in the teen years.  The puberty years.  The testosterone years.

Every.  Single.  Day.  There is fighting.  Between them, between a kid and me, between me and the walls.  I am not of the nature to do well with that much anger flying around.  I am dealing.  I am handling it.  I now I must vent.

Ex husband, if you are reading this, please do so with an open heart.

Today, I hate being a mother.  Only today, maybe only the last few hours actually.  Things got a bit physical between myself and one of the bigger boys tonight.  Not punching, no nothing like that.  But, I said he was indeed getting a spanking and he said no thank you I believe you will have to have enough strength to force me and it was on.

Like donkey kong.

It was ugly.  I am still crying.  Yes, he finally got his spanking, but I think he hates me.  He pointed out some things that I do indeed do wrong.  He stressed some areas that I suck in.  The truth hurts.

In the heat of anger, I know things get said.  I know things get blown out of proportion.  I know that I am not "the worst mom alive"  It still hurts.  I don't like being around my boys as much as I used to.  Their heated behavior wears on my soul.  Their confrontational actions wear on my heart.

Tonight I was crying harder and harder as I thought of how long it took me to realize my mom was a person that did the best she could.  Some children never realize that about their parents and have strained or no relationships as adults.  I fear that so badly.  People say "boys grow up and leave"

I only have boys.  If they leave, I have no one.  And that makes me very very sad.

Tomorrow will be better, I am sure.... it always is.  Tomorrow he will probably apologize.  He might even admit that he said things designed to hurt me and didn't mean them.  But, the hurt is already there.  How do I keep control over boys trying to become men?  I want them to be strong, manly, confident men.  But, dammit, they MUST obey me now.  Chaos isn't pretty.

The good news--Jack slept 12 hours last night after falling asleep in the car at 6:45pm on the way home from the lake.

The bad news--The big boys trip to Michigan Adventure got cancelled today due to weather.  They were NOT pleased to be awake at 7am only to be disappointed.

The ugly news--Yesterday, bees invaded my house.  Many many bees.  Thank you, Dad for coming over and clearing them out and making the house safe again.  You are a lifesaver!

Bonus news--I should be finding out about financial aid later today.  Come on, big money, no whammies!
P.S.  The pictures have absolutely nothing to do with this post.

Today I was admitted to college, yet again.  This time there will be a degree for me, I am sick of degrots.   In five years I will graduate with a Masters.  I can do it.  Stupider people then I have done it.

I am actually a bit giddy.  I am going to be a student again.  I like being successful, good grades kinda rock my world.  School is something I am good at and enjoy.  Unlike stairs.  Including the ones I tripped up today.  I am soo glad campus was deserted.

I am waiting on financial aid information to process and pray it will be enough to cover tuition and books.  I think it will, but I am not sure how they crunch the numbers.  Speaking of numbers, I am on a required ten minute break from online traffic school.  I hate rural state troopers.

Even with traffic school, this might be an almost perfect day.  Now if only a back to school laptop would fall from the sky.

I leave in a few minutes to Western Michigan University for an appointment with an advisor.  If anybody reads this soon, please pray that my all my prior 41 hours become transfer credits.  Do you think they will make me join a sorority?

1. Nico got more scholarship money this year which is awesome considering the increase in tuition. Woot!!
2. Nico got his braces removed.
3. Elijah's artistic ability is really shining lately, his Aunt Karen sent him some great comic encyclopedias and he has been drawing more and more.
4.  Skyler, who I still consider my baby in a lot of ways, begins middle school this year.  How is that possible???
5.  I have only spent about $7 for most of the big boys school supplies.  I love the "buy one, get the second one for a penny" sales!
6.  Jack has two two word phrases now.  Deadee doh (ready, go) and dee uah (clean up)  Excellent!

I wonder how long this phase is going to last. I honestly think its the cutest smile ever.

Yesterday was Jack's first bottle free day.  I know most people wean their children from the bottle at around a year, but because of Jack's dependence on Pediasure for part of his nutrition I didn't want to take it away.  As he approached two I was starting to feel like a bad mommy for letting him hang on to it.

We started talking about "no more bottle" and "big boys use a cup"  last week and Monday was the deadline.  He did amazing.  Every time he asked for milk, he got it in a cup.  I thought bedtime would be terrible, but he sat next to me on the bed reading stories and occasionally taking a sip from his sippy.

The bad news...he was restless all night long.  He woke up at 4am and got in bed with me.  He NEVER wakes up at night unless he is sick.  He just stayed awake and stayed awake in my bed.  I finally got up and got us some cottage cheese and crackers to share and we both went back to sleep at 7am.    His bottle of pediasure used to be his bedtime snack and he must have been hungry.

I am going to try giving him something substantial to eat right before bed tonight and cross my fingers.

I am going back to college.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled lives.