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Being a mother of four boys isn't always pretty.  I don't mean the messes and the dirt and the boogers.  We are in the teen years.  The puberty years.  The testosterone years.

Every.  Single.  Day.  There is fighting.  Between them, between a kid and me, between me and the walls.  I am not of the nature to do well with that much anger flying around.  I am dealing.  I am handling it.  I now I must vent.

Ex husband, if you are reading this, please do so with an open heart.

Today, I hate being a mother.  Only today, maybe only the last few hours actually.  Things got a bit physical between myself and one of the bigger boys tonight.  Not punching, no nothing like that.  But, I said he was indeed getting a spanking and he said no thank you I believe you will have to have enough strength to force me and it was on.

Like donkey kong.

It was ugly.  I am still crying.  Yes, he finally got his spanking, but I think he hates me.  He pointed out some things that I do indeed do wrong.  He stressed some areas that I suck in.  The truth hurts.

In the heat of anger, I know things get said.  I know things get blown out of proportion.  I know that I am not "the worst mom alive"  It still hurts.  I don't like being around my boys as much as I used to.  Their heated behavior wears on my soul.  Their confrontational actions wear on my heart.

Tonight I was crying harder and harder as I thought of how long it took me to realize my mom was a person that did the best she could.  Some children never realize that about their parents and have strained or no relationships as adults.  I fear that so badly.  People say "boys grow up and leave"

I only have boys.  If they leave, I have no one.  And that makes me very very sad.

Tomorrow will be better, I am sure.... it always is.  Tomorrow he will probably apologize.  He might even admit that he said things designed to hurt me and didn't mean them.  But, the hurt is already there.  How do I keep control over boys trying to become men?  I want them to be strong, manly, confident men.  But, dammit, they MUST obey me now.  Chaos isn't pretty.